Stress and IVF

I think it's very important for people to understand the impact of stress within an IVF cycle. Stress can contribute in a very negative way during IVF. When I went through my first IVF cycle, my doctor suggested that I was under stress at that time. We had over 15 follicles (he stopped counting at 15 because there were so many) but, yet I only produced 6 eggs. What the crap? There was no sign that my body was not capable of producing eggs with each follicle--I responded VERY WELL to the meds. I was only on 150 iu's of Gonal-F for crap's sake. That kicks ass!! So many ladies had to take 450 iu's of Gonal-F or 300 iu's. Even additional stims and I got by with 150 iu's and still produced over 15 follicles. I KNOW there was a stress factor in my first IVF cycle. I did way to much and tried to please way to many people. Why is there not a book entitled, "How to offer support through IVF for dummies"? There should be. People don't get the concept of cutting me some fucking slack. SO--now I wait until we do IVF again. I guess any time between January through June of 2009. I'm not as scared as last time, so that is good. I'm just sad. Because now I know that most of the people that I was counting on to be there WILL NOT be there for me during this struggle. I hope we can achieve success with IVF. I am also very cautious to not open my heart completely to IVF working just yet. I'm also doing acupuncture and that may contribute to IVF success. What is meant to be will be I guess:)

IVF doesn't fit into my schedule

It's SUCH an inconvenience to try to make it through an IVF cycle. Work is by law supposed to accommodate medical needs, but my current supervisor really didn't make it very easy on me to get through my first IVF cycle. At one point she was considering having me come in to "make up my time" although I had more than enough sick time and vacation time. I also checked with Human Resources just to make sure that it is OK to use sick time. The HR representative that I met with said that IVF is a "serious medical condition" and 100% use of sick time is OK.

So from where I am now, I really don't know if I can even do another IVF cycle. I am about another year away in terms of work accommodations. I am currently interviewing for other positions and looking for that "big raise" and an understanding boss. I will probably change departments before Christmas, then I reset the clock to waiting about 6 months in a new position before I can really ask off work to do IVF. BUT, I have to get more income coming in our household. IVF is fucking expensive. We have the money to do IVF again, but we need the financial stability so that we can raise a child. Why do people that don't even care about having children get to experience such a blessing? Teenagers get to have children and people that are addicted to drugs end up with babies they don't want. How does this happen? Why is it that I did everything I was "supposed to do" and now we are in this situation and could possibly never get to have a child. We both got our college degrees, we bought our house 7 years ago, we have been married over 8 years now, and have so much to offer a child. It's not just the baby that we want. We want to raise OUR child together, we have raised my husband's biological child together and did a great job. My stepson is such a great kid!!! And now, my husband cannot have a child unless we go through the process of IVF. It's astonishing to me how all of this has turned out. But, getting back to the topic---IVF really doesn't fit into my schedule. How am I supposed to go to graduations, weddings, funerals, even the grocery store and still maintain all of the hormones and the timing for getting the injections? How am I supposed to fit in baby showers before, during or after an IVF cycle when an event like that is not a positive expereince for me? How do I tell people to have some compassion and do not place expectations on me to feel obligated to attend every stupid event that I could possibly squeeze in while I'm doing IVF? I guess the answer would be to just tell people to leave me alone. I'm pretty fed up with the fact that people do not understand what an involved process IVF really is. I'm surprised by the ignorance that I have to deal with when I try to explain what IVF is and that I'm not just popping in to see the eye doctor, but there are actual MAJOR steps involved in the IVF process and yet people still think I could run a fucking marathon while doing IVF. No biggie. I can fit in everything into my schedule. I'm obligated to please everyone right?

My cousin Jenny

Infertility is such a LONELY place to be. There is a lot of the unknown. There are a lot of very scary procedures involved, so many emotions to sort through each and every day and you lose people along the process of IVF that you thought would be there for you. But, throughout my IVF experience--I have always had my cousin Jenny. It's OK if I cry or say that I'm scared about things, she will not judge me for that. I don't have to worry if I say to her that I am in pain when I have to be around babies or look at pictures of babies in general. She would never place any expectations on me to feel or act a certain way. She just lets me be me. I don't have to hide the fact that it hurts me to stand next to a pregnant woman in the grocery store checkout line or that when ANYONE announces their pregnancy, a part of me is in pain because of it. Not because I'm not happy for other people, BUT because it is possible that I will never get to have children. Biologically, medically, physically. I don't have to pretend that those emotions are not there. I just try to make it through infertility while so many other people get to experience the joy of motherhood all around me. It's so easy for most people, I think a lot of people really do take it for granted. I don't have to pretend with my cousin when it comes to dealing with ANY of the emotions that are THERE when someone is dealing with infertility. There is no doubt that I would not have been able to make it through my first IVF cycle without her by my side. Although we live over a thousand miles away from each other, I feel her support right next to me always. I don't have to question if support will be there from my cousin, I JUST KNOW that she will take this IVF journey with me no matter what direction that we have to go. Or want to go.

Being brave, for other people

Our infertility journey has been a long and exhausting one. Sometimes I'm OK, and other days are not so easy. It's exhausting to maintain the emotional roller coaster that is infertility. But, it's really exhausting to feel like I have to tell people what they want to hear. Sure, I'm OK. Sure, we'll adopt if it comes to that. We are just fucking peachy. How could life get any better? Yes, what a blessing that we have infertility, because it will make us stronger. It's all part of God's plan. I'm so lucky. WELL, most people are not able to take that journey with me and deal with discussing the REALITY of how painful infertility can be.