Wednesday, November 19, 2008

HOPE....where did it go?

The way I feel about IVF seems to change daily. I’m always sorting through how to be brave enough to do this again, or to do this 3,4,5 times or more. I know of someone that had to do IVF 10 times before getting her beautiful baby boy. Ten freakin’ times!! How did she do it? How did she find that courage. How did she manage to never give up HOPE? I don’t know if I will make it. I really don’t feel like doing IVF again, but I know it’s OUR path. I’m not quite sure how my husband still has HOPE and still manages to keep getting excited at this IVF possibility. I’m not there today, I would rather give up. But, I know if I did give up, I really would regret it. I would rather have a guarantee that if we try this again that it WOULD work the 2nd time! Because if it doesn’t work then I will want to try a 3rd time and I really just want to know that YES, it would work the 2nd time. I’m finding it hard to believe in myself as we make our way past the holidays and into the Spring when our excitement will begin again. I don’t want to be let down again. For some reason this month it is a bit hard to hang on to that HOPE that we can make it through all of this. It’s kind of hard to believe in myself for some reason but I HOPE that changes soon. I think maybe this month is hard because last November 8th was the first time we were told that IVF is our best option. Maybe I will find that place inside that gives me the strength again........right now I'm not feeling very strong or brave. Right now I don't have HOPE for our success.

Friday, November 14, 2008

I had a phone interview for an infertility program on Lifetime TV

A few nights ago I spoke with someone that is working on a reality TV project for infertility. She had a lot of questions about what my husband and I have gone through with OUR infertility and said they are going to choose 3 couples to follow. So, I guess they will make their decision about which 3 couples over the next few months and get to recording. I emailed her a pic of us and answered some very personal questions because it's IMPORTANT that people become more aware of this subject. If anything, I feel like I have accomplished something just by the phone interview because she DID learn a lot about the issue just by talking to ME! So, I am going to at least stay in touch with her to find out when the program will air because I'm telling all of my dumbass family to watch it. (that's not nice) BUT, I think people really don't understand. So, hopefully there will be a trend over the years for MORE shows about IVF and infertility in general. There was only ONE show I was able to find about IVF while we were submerged in the crap. It was a program on Discovery Health and they followed 4 couples while they were going through IVF. I just LOVED that show! I only saw one episode:) But, I still have it recorded on my DVR. The TV show DID help me know that I am not alone. So, this show they are about to begin recording is very exciting to me!!

Monday, November 10, 2008

Judgement through the IVF process

I know that IVF is quite a new concept. I know that people don't really even know what it is or how it even works. I know that some people are even opposed to IVF and question the morality of it. I know that some people TRY to understand and I am so grateful for those people:) I know that people view me not wanting to go to baby showers or to be around babies as a selfish thing. It is not. It's not that way at all. I've tried very hard to work on self-PRESERVATION through the IVF process. Taking care of the emotional well being for someone going through IVF is just as important as putting your feet up and kicking back to relax your body. It's important to avoid people that can drain your emotional energy through the process of IVF too:) I will not share my IVF cycle #2 with some of the people that I was counting on to be there through my infertility journey. I just simply cannot AFFORD to deal with ignorance. I cannot put myself through trying to "educate" people when I go through IVF again--because I WANT to be excited for my opportunity to do IVF. I want to be happy and think of baby names. I want to go through IVF #2 with people that I KNOW will be there for me 100%. I want to talk to people that I know I can count on. I want my emotions to be safe and not judged. I want to accomplish TRYING all over again. It may not work the next time either, but I WILL give myself the respect to have a fair chance at this by only including people that I KNOW will be supportive:)