Thursday, October 16, 2008

My cousin Jenny

Infertility is such a LONELY place to be. There is a lot of the unknown. There are a lot of very scary procedures involved, so many emotions to sort through each and every day and you lose people along the process of IVF that you thought would be there for you. But, throughout my IVF experience--I have always had my cousin Jenny. It's OK if I cry or say that I'm scared about things, she will not judge me for that. I don't have to worry if I say to her that I am in pain when I have to be around babies or look at pictures of babies in general. She would never place any expectations on me to feel or act a certain way. She just lets me be me. I don't have to hide the fact that it hurts me to stand next to a pregnant woman in the grocery store checkout line or that when ANYONE announces their pregnancy, a part of me is in pain because of it. Not because I'm not happy for other people, BUT because it is possible that I will never get to have children. Biologically, medically, physically. I don't have to pretend that those emotions are not there. I just try to make it through infertility while so many other people get to experience the joy of motherhood all around me. It's so easy for most people, I think a lot of people really do take it for granted. I don't have to pretend with my cousin when it comes to dealing with ANY of the emotions that are THERE when someone is dealing with infertility. There is no doubt that I would not have been able to make it through my first IVF cycle without her by my side. Although we live over a thousand miles away from each other, I feel her support right next to me always. I don't have to question if support will be there from my cousin, I JUST KNOW that she will take this IVF journey with me no matter what direction that we have to go. Or want to go.

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